Updated: Jul 23, 2020
"You are going to hate your husband after kids."
When I heard that message I laughed so hard. No way! My husband is going to be the most hands on dad and we are going to raise our kids with 50/50 responsibility.
Fast Forward one kid and one on the way and I'm not feeling so 50/50. In fact, I was surprised at how fast 50/50 turned into 80/20 and by fast I mean the day our daughter was born 3 years ago. The late nights, the sleepless nights, the colds, daycare drop off/pick up, the laundry, the dishes, the general health of the house....the list goes on and on. I was amazed that MORE people don't warn you about how hard it is to not hate your husband after kids! Im working triple shift and his workload stayed the same. How is that possible? Doesn't he see me drowning?
Then I took a step back and realized. He did offer help at night and I told him, "I got it." It wasn't that I didn't need the help, I just knew that it would be faster if I did it. So I didn't let him learn how to handle a newborn like I was able to learn how to handle a newborn. He definitely didn't offer to help around the house but he did start throwing his laundry in the wash. BUT I never asked. I just resented him for not doing it and learning how to do it.
Should I have to ask, NO WAY but let's be real his clean isn't my clean. My comforting the baby isn't his comforting the baby. So two years after our daughter was born and he asked me what he could feed her for lunch, I realized my flaw. I had chosen to do the 80/20 because I didn't think anyone could do it faster or better than me. Which in turn failed him on a level since he wasn't able to learn what our daughter needed or wanted like I was able to. So I started talking, started asking, started letting him know what I needed and started letting him be my 50/50. It didn't happen overnight, but slowly he started being 40 when I only had 60 to give. He started being 80 when I needed to be the 20. I know all marriages and relationships are different but nothing will change if you allow it to remain the same. So when you feel like you are the doing the 80% or 90%, ask for and accept the help. Yeah the baby might cry a little more, bed time might extend an hour, and your favorite hang dry only shirt might shrink but you will be happier and hate your husband less.